The hardest thing about being his – is being his “new” girl. I don’t get to be his strictly as it is, and to me, that is hard to feel comfortable with. Now, much of this is self-inflicted, my mind is a like a scratched record, constantly repeating the same doubts, the same phrases in the forefront of my mind:
“Will I ever be just his”
“Am I enough for him”
and the most begrudging – “Am I hurting her”
Recently, it was brought to my attention that the girl that held his heart for 5 years recently removed the two of us from social media – and normally this would not get to me, and I could chalk up it to jealousy or any other emotion that I could toss to the side, but when I found out that the motivation to “unfollow” the man she loved for 5 years was hurt, I almost fell apart.
Over the past 5 years, I have struggled to discover who I am – I had myself convinced I was heartless, and that I could get through what ever life tossed my way just by keeping myself as the top priority. But it did not take long for me to comprehend that this is never the person I will be, I will never be able to kick someone else’s feelings to the side for my own benefit, it conflicts with who I am down to the core.
Now, if you have read some of my past posts, you may have an idea of what an anxiety attack looks like for me – rashes, elevated heart rate, blank stares, and this shaky feeling, a feeling I would give anything to eliminate from my body’s list of ineffective coping methods. Well, when I found out that she removed the two of us because it was too hard to see him happy with someone else, my body went into a mode of anxiety that I haven’t experienced for awhile – in fact, the last time my body took on this level of anxiety was when I cheated on my long-term boyfriend. Why was this getting to me so much? Why was my body warning me that something isn’t right? Why couldn’t I focus on anything but this feeling?
Because in that moment, I knew, I was the cause of someone else’s pain.
As a teen, I was shown by friends that compassion is a weakness, and that it only puts you in a position to get hurt. Oh how wrong I was, to think that having empathy for others could ever be seen as anything but a positive. The person I am today avoids causing other people harm, I struggle to make decisions because if I look at it long enough, there is always someone that may be hurt, offended or feel tossed to the side. So when I recognized why I was feeling the way I did, my mind began to flood with the possible feelings she was having and it took every ounce of willpower that I had, not to fall apart. Realizing I was the cause of someone else’s pain, made the amount of happiness I was experiencing dissipate and I began to question if I deserved the joy I had, or should I have it taken away due to the fact that I was causing another individual pain.
I promised him I wouldn’t step back, that I wouldn’t withdraw myself, but discovering the reason for her actions, may cause that to change. I don’t want to cause her to feel hurt.
She broke his heart, he wasn’t the person he was before when she left, and maybe, I am occupying an empty space created by her. If it is hurting her this much to see us together does this mean she still has a spot for him, that the high school sweethearts story could be played out? Would he be happier this way? Would he be better off with her, not the girl after her?