The Girl After Her

The hardest thing about being his – is being his “new” girl. I don’t get to be his strictly as it is, and to me, that is hard to feel comfortable with. Now, much of this is self-inflicted, my mind is a like a scratched record, constantly repeating the same doubts, the same phrases in the forefront of my mind:

“Will I ever be just his”

“Am I enough for him”

and the most begrudging – “Am I hurting her”

Recently, it was brought to my attention that the girl that held his heart for 5 years recently removed the two of us from social media – and normally this would not get to me, and I could chalk up it to jealousy or any other emotion that I could toss to the side, but when I found out that the motivation to “unfollow” the man she loved for 5 years was hurt, I almost fell apart.

Over the past 5 years, I have struggled to discover who I am – I had myself convinced I was heartless, and that I could get through what ever life tossed my way just by keeping myself as the top priority. But it did not take long for me to comprehend that this is never the person I will be, I will never be able to kick someone else’s feelings to the side for my own benefit, it conflicts with who I am down to the core.

Now, if you have read some of my past posts, you may have an idea of what an anxiety attack looks like for me – rashes, elevated heart rate, blank stares, and this shaky feeling, a feeling I would give anything to eliminate from my body’s list of ineffective coping methods. Well, when I found out that she removed the two of us because it was too hard to see him happy with someone else, my body went into a mode of anxiety that I haven’t experienced for awhile – in fact, the last time my body took on this level of anxiety was when I cheated on my long-term boyfriend. Why was this getting to me so much? Why was my body warning me that something isn’t right? Why couldn’t I focus on anything but this feeling?

Because in that moment, I knew, I was the cause of someone else’s pain.

As a teen, I was shown by friends that compassion is a weakness, and that it only puts you in a position to get hurt. Oh how wrong I was, to think that having empathy for others could ever be seen as anything but a positive. The person I am today avoids causing other people harm, I struggle to make decisions because if I look at it long enough, there is always someone that may be hurt, offended or feel tossed to the side. So when I recognized why I was feeling the way I did, my mind began to flood with the possible feelings she was having and it took every ounce of willpower that I had, not to fall apart. Realizing I was the cause of someone else’s pain, made the amount of happiness I was experiencing dissipate and I began to question if I deserved the joy I had, or should I have it taken away due to the fact that I was causing another individual pain.

I promised him I wouldn’t step back, that I wouldn’t withdraw myself, but discovering the reason for her actions, may cause that to change. I don’t want to cause her to feel hurt.

She broke his heart, he wasn’t the person he was before when she left, and maybe, I am occupying an empty space created by her. If it is hurting her this much to see us together does this mean she still has a spot for him, that the high school sweethearts story could be played out? Would he be happier this way? Would he be better off with her, not the girl after her?

 

Change

I have never been good with change, I have always avoided it to every extent I can, and spent hours on end convincing change never to enter my life.

But just over a month ago I made the choice – change is what I need, change is what I want, and most importantly, change is what I deserve.

I would be lying if I alluded to the idea that he never made me happy – because he did, he made me smile, laugh, dream and cry. The problem arises when I think about the ratio of those 4 emotions, and that crying outweighed it all, and my god did I cry. I cried about missing him, yes, but the majority of my hours I spent crying were over unanswered texts, unreturned calls, and unkept promises.

The crying would have never pushed me to make a dramatic change in my own life, but what did was the lack of commitment and understanding as to what it is to be a boyfriend. I wanted a life with someone, and looking back, that was never going to happen with him, I was going to continue life, hoping and dreaming of my fairytale life, only to be proven “hopeful” and naive to who I was truly with.

So when he decided to plan yet another trip to see family and friends alone, I decided that I was not going to spend the rest of my life hoping I was more involved, and most importantly I was not going to spend the rest of my life waiting to start my life.

My First Post Far too Long

My First Post Far too Long

When did everyone decide to grow up?

I find myself laughing about how cliche I seem, sitting in bed, wondering when exactly my world changed to that of a “grown up”, when did we all decide to take responsibilities, and take on relationships that could grow into our forevers. I guess that question becoming so cliche must mean that I am not the only one that has ever thought it, and that many of us hit the point in our lives when we start to realize that where we are now kind of just happened, and we don’t often remember the ways we got there.

Along with my question of when did we decide to grow up, came with an impending fear that I may be allowing myself to fall behind, that the situations I am currently allowing myself to be in, might be limiting my future. My main concern – as always, is love.

Now, I have been with XXXX for almost a year and a half, and within that time we have adjusted from essentially living together, to being 3 hours away, and limited to seeing each other for a few hours every couple weeks. Now the distance isn’t easy, but it isn’t the problem either, at least not for me. To sum up my absurdly complicated feelings into just a few overly simple words – I am scared, I am scared he will never tell me he loves me, and that without hearing that, I will be lead down a path full of difficult decisions.

I have never been shy to come out and say what I want or require out of a relationship, whether it be a friendship, a professional relationship, or even an intimate “love” connection, but with him, it seems different, because what I want with him is a future, a happy future filled with the things I have come to see as necessities. To come out and admit that, is far from easy, but I need to make steps towards my future and in order to make those complicated steps, I need to consider, and question how I feel about a few things:

  1. He hasn’t said “I Love You”
    • Now, I feel the need to explain something here; the act of saying “I love you” isn’t what I am waiting so desperately to hear, because, to put it quite bluntly, I can hear that from other people in my life. And it isn’t that I need to know he loves me, because again, to be blunt, I know he does. But my… I guess, “problem” with it is, that if he is taking this long to say those few words, where is this even going.
  2. I don’t know where he stands on future endeavours 
    • I know what I want out of life, or at least at this point, I think I do. I know I want the typical “house wife” life, filled with kids, adventures and a caring husband (ridiculous, I know, save the commentary, please). And I know that I want a partner in life, someone that I can fall asleep next to every night, knowing that I am safe, both physically and emotionally. Saying that, I am aware that what I want at this moment might not be exactly what I want 5 years from now, but I believe that I at least have an outline. But after 18 months, I am still unsure as to exactly what he wants, and if it realistic to get my hopes up for a future with him, which leads me to my next point;
  3. I need to take care of myself first
    • Knowing what I want comes with a few downsides, one of the most prevalent of which, is knowing what I don’t want. I don’t want to spend the next few years hoping and praying that I will get to hear the words “I love you”, I don’t want to spend the next few years wondering if the man I am with wants the same things as me, and I sure as hell don’t want to spend the next few years wasting time with a man that will not commit to me in the long run.

Now, I know that sometimes my thoughts seem a little harsh, and even crude, like using the words “wasting time”, but to me, that simply is what it is. I have a timeline, and although I am realistic and have already made countless changes to the events as I have grown and matured, all of the changes have been due to personal choices, and I refuse to let other get in the way of my happiness.

Growing up isn’t easy, and I have a feeling it isn’t about to get any easier, but I believe I have a good head on my shoulders, and as long as I stick to what makes me happy, I am confident I will lead myself in the right direction. As far as staying with a man that will not give me the satisfaction of saying 3 meaningful words, I am going to have to carefully consider how that is directly affecting my happiness and go from there.

 

Day 04 – My Views on Religion

Day 04 – My Views on Religion

My views on religion – oh boy, here we go.

First of all, I would like to make a point that I find infinitely crucial when talking about religion, at that is, the difference between religion itself, and the churches/institutions involved, all I need you to keep in mind when reading this, is that to me, they are two completely different aspects, both with their ups and downs.

Let me start off with religion itself – the easier of the two for me because I am personally impartial to any of the many varieties. Religion to me, is an incredibly positive concept in many peoples lives, it gives people a reason to keep going when they are in their darkest days, it gives them hope when they might otherwise feel lost, and most importantly (in my opinion) is it gives a people a sense of belonging, a belief that even if they feel the deepest loneliness, that someone is watching over them. Now, if you haven’t come to the conclusion quite yet, I am not religious, and for that reason, I do not believe that I can give an educated assessment of what it has to offer, or in some cases, take away from peoples lives. Since this is my blog, and to be quite honest, I don’t feel the need to cater to anyone’s feelings at this moment, I will give my sometimes harsh opinion on what I have seen religion can do to people. Religion can be great, I have explained my thoughts on that, but religion also has the potential to cause deep-rooted guilt inside people, it can create metaphorical “boarders” between groups of people, and can lead to a lot of overly-harsh judgement of others, like I said, this is just a personal perspective based on incidents I have seen.

Now, if you haven’t quickly tapped back on your computer to avoid reading this, and if you have somehow avoiding silently judging me behind your screen, I would love the opportunity to give my point of view on churches – I will go with catholic/christian, just because this is what I have the most experience with. I have seen many amazing people come from church-going households, and I have seen some terrible people from the same upbringing, but one thing is for sure; the church has a great affect on the people that attend, and by process of distribution, sometimes a greater affect on the ones that choose not to. The church offers a community, that is an affirmative concept that comes from going, but I have seen those “communities” harbour some of the most judgemental attitudes towards “outsiders”, attitudes that personally turn me off of attending all together. The church can be a source of spirituality, a connection with “God” or anyone you may believe in, but it can also cause immense amounts of guilt, to the point where people would rather lie for years about who they are or what they have done, rather than be themselves or admit to any wrong-doings in fear of being exiled, or “kicked out”.

So to sum it up, religion? Amazing, it can be the biggest source of any individuals strength, and can allow a person to know their soul at a level that I personally, will never get to. Saying this, religion has its downsides as well, and personally, I believe church/institutions can become one of the worst.

As I finish up here, I do apologize if I have offended anyone, and I would like to clarify that I know not everyone agrees with me, or has experienced what I have, and others may unfollow me due to disgust with what I have to say, but I would like to acknowledge that I am aware that my worse come off harsh, and that really wasn’t the way I meant it, I totally see how faith can be a HUGE contributing factor to peoples lives, it’s the “organized religion” that gives me the heebeegeebees.

Day 03 – My Thoughts On Drugs and Alcohol

Day 03 – My Thoughts On Drugs and Alcohol

What are my thoughts on drugs and alcohol?

Now this, is a topic I have spent hours over-analyzing, milling through all the positives and negatives of these substances and to this day, I do not have any concrete thoughts on any of the specifics. To be brutally honest with myself, I don’t know what I think. So in order to attempt to organize my thoughts, I am going to address different “levels” at different times throughout the post.

First off, I would like to concentrate on the drugs I haven’t and fortunately don’t know anyone who has, tried. This list – let’s call it “abuse drugs” consist of the common “life-ruining” drugs, you know, the classic heroin, meth, all of those that one associates with anyone on the street. So, since coming up with any true positives or negatives of these seems nearly impossible to me right now, I would like to just focus on my opinion of the above mentioned drugs, or rather, their users, and of course, I would like to apologize if I offend anyone, I am just trying my best to get my thoughts into words. Alright, to keep it short and simple, I don’t blame the people, yes, they may have chosen to do this drug in the first place, but I take pride in my ability to see past someones addiction and allow myself to see who the person in, and if the opportunity arises, educate myself about what might have lead them down this road. It is quite obvious to me that although someone might now be on the street, battling each day with a brave face, trying desperately not to succumb further to their surroundings, they did not begin that way, and anything I have learned from conversations with users, is that they never intended for it to go this far. These people – the “users” – were never planning to become dependant on a substance that has taken the rest of their life away form them.

Alright, enough of that, let’s talk about the “party drugs” – the cocaine, MDMA, and any other hallucinogenic that is more easily accessible than water at any music festival. Now, having no personal experience with the above mentioned, I find it hard to have much of an opinion on it, so, straight to the point, I think they can be insanely fun, and if used in the right environment, can allow people to have new experiences that they otherwise wouldn’t have. Saying that, I also recognize that they are not for everyone, and are not always used in a smart way, but considering all sides, I stick to my “can be fun” attitude.

Now, the one most of us have tried, maybe a few too many times, leading us to curse our own bodies for allowing us to consume copious amounts of this poison just to punish us a few hours later as we lay our heads anywhere cool enough to relieve just a little bit of that pain. Alcohol, the “drug” that is never really considered a “drug”. Alcohol is a hard one, because I have seen extreme highs and lows of what it can give people. Me, I am shy at times, especially when I am in new surroundings, and one or two drinks can allow me to loosen up, and socialize with the people around me, which usually allows me to put the drink down as I settle in. But to me, the negatives can easily outweigh the positives, because from experience, I have seen people that become completely different people when they drink, people that they would be ashamed of if they could only seem themselves through sober eyes. But again, it isn’t for everyone, and my biggest problem with it is, because it is so commonly accepted as a social norm, some people never recognize the problems it may be causing.

Last, but certainly not least, is marijuana, everyone in my hometowns favourite pass-time, and probably the reason that far too many college students are found  wandering the junk food aisle at any grocery store on any selected night. This one, I am going to sum up with one simple sentence: If you like it, do it, and do it when you like to. If you don’t, don’t do it, and don’t put yourself in situations that make you uncomfortable. The debates that I have participated in in regards to this “herb” have gone in nothing but circles, eventually just coming to the conclusion that everyone is entitled to their opinion on such a harmless/harmful (depending on who you are, and where you stand) substance.

You may have noticed that I left the tobacco topic alone, and that is due to the fact that no matter how hard I try, I could never cut what I have to say about it down to a few simple sentences, so stay tuned for a complete blog post on that.

So there you have it, my totally unclear, wish-washy opinion on a topic I know far too little about. But, considering InSight (if you don’t know what it is, please look it up) is my dream job, I hope to keep my mind open, and allow myself to see past a substance someone uses, and see who the person really is.

Day 02 – 10 Years from Now

Day 02 – 10 Years from Now

Where would I like to be in 10 years? Let me start with saying – I know what I want now, and although it hasn’t seemed to change in the past few years, that does not mean that as I grow, and experience new things in life, that my opinion on the ideal won’t drastically change.

One thing is for sure – 10 years from now, I hope to be a mom, and in order for my ridiculous fairytale expectations to become a reality, that entails the all-too-typical “husband, house and kids”. Now, as confident as I am that I will not feel thoroughly satisfied without the above details, I promised myself from an early age that I would never allow myself to succumb to the sadness that a lack of specifics could present.

In 10 years, I hope to have a family, and a home, something to keep me busy, and constantly surprise me with moments of happiness that come from knowing you are contributing to something worthwhile. In 10 years, I hope to be half the parents mine were, supporting my kids with absolutely everything I have, even when it means “spoiling” them a little bit. In 10 years, I hope to be a wife, the type of wife that allows my husband to brag to his friends about, or even just his mom. I hope to be a wife that allows my husband to do what he loves, and involve myself when appropriate, and most importantly, I hope to be a wife that is happy, and provides happiness to the family and friends around me.

In 10 years, I hope to be independent; the type of person that people look up to, and seek advice from, the kind of personality that invites new people and experiences into a life already bursting at the seams from fulfillment.

So, to conclude, where do I see myself in 10 years? – I see myself full of happiness, whether it be with a family, or just starting my journey there. I see myself loving every new chaotic moment put in my path, and engaging any new companions placed on it. And the exceedingly crucial aspect, I see myself falling in love with myself, along with everyone and everything around me.

 

If you would like to read any of my other 30-day topics, here’s the LINK